Toilet Paper!

The year was 589 A.D. and a young Chinese gentleman was “Taking The Browns To The Super Bowl”…as they used to say. As he finished his biniss and reached for the old poo stick or undercarriage squirt bottle (Chinese inventions 27 and 34…we’ll get to those later) he realized that there were none of either in reach. Since this gentleman was using the restroom at his girlfriend’s Parent’s house, he had to think quick. There was paper near by and he used it hoping it would flush all the way down without a problem and it did. Lucky him, that would have been so embarrassing.

This invention is one of the most monumental of all time as it did not just invent a way to clean your parts after “Taking The Kids To The Pool”. It was also the invention of the “Ass Wipe”!

BONUS INVENTION!!!

We will never know how many ass wipes have been invented since then but I’m sure we could all name a few and everyone works with at least one.

You stay inventive China.

I was called out by a friend this afternoon about some comments I made about Yao Ming’s retirement from the NBA. My comments were totally basketball related and not really all that offensive. As you all know, I am of some Chinese decent and proud of it. I am so proud that I regularly make jokes about all of the things that the Chinese invented over the ages…some true, some funny, some real and some very much not real. This is a ritual that was started way back in my Moorpark college days with a fellow slanted eyed Trombone player named Rick Ong. There is a hole in my life where these “facts” once were and I have decided to bring them back in a series of posts I like to call “Thanks, China!” So, here’s the first of many.

Thanks, China! #1 FIREWORKS! Wow, the invention of fireworks was so important in Chinese history that America stole them to celebrate how great America is. A cook invented fireworks by accident and probably lost some facial hair in the process. His Sous Chef then had to finish dinner service without the head Chef and suffered only a handful of send backs as the diners were so enthralled by the vision of things exploding in the night sky that they didn’t care that their steaks were overdone. I hear that some of the people that were present then saw Tinkerbell fly down from the mountains.

Fireworks are the ultimate visual celebration that instantly took the night sky entertainment industry away from those damn Mongolians and their silly rock throwing show they used to put on near the Great Wall on the 3rd Sunday of every month.

Check back soon for more factual tellings of Chinese Inventions!

DD is out of the woods for a few days. Epic post when i reach a real keyboard

Back story - Rose had a girl in her Kindergarten class named Nicole. The 2 girls are great friends and spent a ton of time together at school throughout the year. Nicole has special needs and Rose has never cared that she was different and always treated her like a friend. At the end of the school year, Rose was asked by the special needs club on campus to join Nicole on their end of the year field trip to Pump It Up…a bouncy house place in Ventura. And of course, she and Nicole had a blast! At the school’s end of the year assembly Rose recieved an award for outstanding citizenship because of the relationship she has with Nicole.

Current day - The Alpha Resource Center is an organization that helps special needs families that have, well, special needs. I got a call from a lady at Alpha letting me know that Rose has been nominated for an award that is given to the student that best exemplifies their idea that all people should be treated with dignity and respect.

Talk about proud.

The award will be…..well…..awarded on July 9th at Girsh Park (either in SB or Goleta. I gotta look that one up).

I will post more info when I get it.

Day 8: Woodland Park to Colorado Springs

Looks like y’all made it! And I’m getting the whole Colorado Newsome experience, but more on that in a bit…

When we woke up today, we went and got the spare changed out for the good tire we had. Hit up some breakfast at the Smokehouse (highly recommended) and went to the range. We stayed for a short spell and had some fun. Finally got to shot the .50 cal black powder and the .44 lever-action Marlin from the late 1800s (is that better Mike?). That thing was buttah.

After the range, we cleaned the guns and left them in the safe there and headed to C-Springs. Stopped by the REI to get a longer sleeping bag ans ended up at Kyle’s house. We’ve pretty much been kickin it here. Got some paperwork done for the NM residency change and we’re gearin up for New Mexico tomorrow.

Thats about it. Sorry for the short post. I ought to get to bed…

Thanks for tuning in!

Day 7: Woodland Park Layover

Yup, life sure does seem to slow down up here. Its a good ol’ town where everyone is friendly and family extends to anyone you meet. It sure was a good day.

We ran around looking for Black Powder CO2 ejectors ao LJ could unclog his rifle, but alas, all he needed was a few extra grains.

We got new llantas for Black Diamond. Turns out Reno tires are just about as bad as the city is itself. One tire split at 500 miles, and the other one within the first 5000 miles. But back to niceties, 2 tires for the truck with installation and balance: $20. And to top it off, that was a donation we had to force him to accept. It was a very generous act.

Afterwords we headed down to Beir Werks to meet Travis and Tina and their kin. It was a great time had by all with good beer and some pretzles. A little trip to sonic and before you know it we were back at the house with Uncle Mike drinkin’ beer and shootin’ the shit. It was a relaxing afternoon hangin around while Aunt Kathy was at work.

A dip in the hot tub (be tee dubs, i want a “hot spring” hot tub now), and it was off to bed.

Like i said, life just slooows down. I owe a lot to Mike and Kathy for takin care of me like this, but they tell me its no bug thang but a chicken wang for familang. See what I did there? Eh eh eh?

All in all a great day. Tomorrow, shooting and C-Springs.

Catch y’all on the flip flop

Day 6: Denver to Woodland Park

Day 6 was another lazy day. We took our sweet time leaving Denver. First thing was first. Stranahan’s Colorado Whiskey distillery. It was a cool little operation. Starts out as a scotch, finishes like a bourbon. Good stuff. Just straight whiskey. In fact, its the first legal distillery in Colorado.

Then we got Brooke a present and stopped by Dick’s to deliver it. Star Wars spatulas, cookie cutters, sandwich cutters and a tin lunch box. 3rd trip to Jimmy John’s and then off to Golden.

You guessed it…Coors Brewery. We took the express route this year and went straight for the 3 free beers. Yup. 3 FREE beers. Hit some ice cream at 20% off, then took off for Woodland Park.

We pulled up to Aunt Kathy and Uncle Mike’s housr around 7 or 8 and we yelled to Black Diamond “yo holmes, smell ya later.” We have been taken care of here. Much love and appreciation to both of them. The tacos were great.

Chilled it out watchin tv and fell asleep. Life is good.

P.S. this is sumarrizing May 21st.

Day 5: Gunnison to Denver

Today was awe-inspiringly beaitiful to say the least. When we finally got up around 11:00, Freddy gave the $0.10 tour around Ginni and we bought him breakfast to say thanks. It was good eats fo sho. And! LJ was able to find the .44W ammo he was looking for. That should be fun.

Freddy’s roommate Steve auggeated we go through Leadville on the way. It was a great drive. Snowed for a good chunk of it, but it wasn’t stickin’ so we kept on truckin’

I wish we had some time to stop at the mining hall of fame, but the snow suggested that we kept going. Juat another reason to go back.

We hit the Eisenhower tunnel, where today’s navigtor/co-pilot was sucessfully able to hold his breath the whole way through at 11,000+ feet in elevation over the continental divide.

Once in Denver, we mosied over to Stranahan’s Colorado Whiskey’s distillery and tested it out. Very mellow. Now we’re sitting outside a wannabe Denny’s waiting for tonights gracious host. Who knows what the rest of the night will have in store.

I do know we are going to take a distillery tour there tomorrow at 11:00 and then of course, a tour +3 free beers at our favorite rocky mountain red neck beer plant.

We’ll see you in C-Springs Amerrrka!

We’re out like disco…for tonight…

Day 4: Reno to Gunnison

It was a long day that stretched into early today. Almost 1,100 miles stretched across highways 80, 15, 6, & 70; and 3 states. Mostly accompanied by rain and some snow.

We woke up, said bye to Casey and headed for the waffle house in the Silver Legacy/Circus Circus quagmire. Note: strawberries outside of Oxnard and surrounding areas aren’t that great.

From there, we headed out. 4 tanks of gas got us there and we switched drivers in Salt Lake City. LJ was a champ pulling the late night shift in Colorado through the paases and snow. Black Diamond was quite the champ as well.

We arrived at Freddy’s house in Gunnison around 4:00 am. Not much else happened besides a dinner stop in Green River that ended badly for one of us (if you know what I mean).

Then we fell asleep.

P.S. the picture is from today, sorry

Please pardon the interruption in adventure reports. 1100 miles will do that to you.

Day 3: Reno layover

Today was a simple day america. Woke up, went and got some ammo, and hit the range….

…shooting range that is.

We shot a variety of firearms, including a .22 rifle, two .22 hand guns, a makarov .380 auto and a .38 special revolver. Bummers occured as lil’ john’s .50 cal black powder rifle was all fouled up, and scheels difn’t have the 44W ammo we needed. Nevertheless, it was fun. Unfortunately DD didn’t make it, so we’ll have to do with a picture of Canon ready to go.

Afterwords, we headed to Alan’s house for tri-tip and hot tubbin, only to forget mah trunks there. Looks like we’re making a small side trip in the mornin’

More jimmy johns was enjoyed, and we hit the local corkscroo for a brew. Lets face it, it would have been a sin for us to go through Nevada and not stop at a 24 hour bar.

And now here we are watching Conan. Real versus Fake.

See y’all tomorrow after “two beards and a pickup” determine where exactly they are going to stay.

THANK YOU RENO!! GOOD NIGHT!!! guitar breaking on stage at sold out show in Carson City

…right

Day 2: San Francisco to Reno

So we went to bed last night with high hopes for getting up early, seeing the city and getting to Reno before the sun went down after stopping at a few different food joints…well, all of that worked out, except the fact that we didn’t get an early start, and we ended up foregoing the Char Pit (*sadface*).

We woke up around 1100 or so. Give or take. And we did see the city. The bridges, the towers, the crooked streets, the chocolate factory (yes, there were midgets); we saw it all! Okay, so we didn’t see it “all,” but I think it was a good quick ten-cent tour of San Fran for a friend that had never been there before.

Once we headed out of the city, we were on a mission for Jimboy’s Tacos. They were just as good as we remembered. Greasy, fattening beef tacos. Super good. 

Despite the great eats, however, we did face inclimate weather and the return of the check engine light (for all of you moms that are reading and freaking out at the last part, we’re pretty sure it’s just the IAT sensor again, but we’ll know fo sho in the 3OH!3. en bee dee).

Speaking of inclimate weather, that takes us to the topic of today’s photo of DD. Snow + I-80 = Black Diamond’s first snow trip! Complete with chains! And slow movin’ trucks, and a BMW that spun out at Donner Summit. Have no fear though! After many a slow minute, and trucks pasting us with snow, and potential cannibalism (see what I did there? eh eh eh?!?), we finally made it down into Reno, where we met two of our favorite ladies that live here in Nevada (Stoney’s waitresses and vegas showgirls excluded). Casey and Canon welcomed us into their home and here we are for the next two nights.

And yes, we have already eaten at Jimmy John’s.

That’s it for today’s chapter of the “two beards and a pickup” saga. We’ll see you tomorrow.

This post is sponsored by Reese Bobby. “If you ain’t first, you’re last!”

…don’t really know what that has to do with anything.

Yesterday was a long day to say the least. Mostly attributed to the slow start.

First stop: Lancaster. Visited Twinkles (LJs grandma) and spent some of the afternoon with her. It was fun to spend time with her. From there we moved on.

The 5 was just as boring as usual, except the rain. That was a change from the usual. Gassed up in Santa Nella for an inagural reading of 22.4 npg. Not to shabby considering all the weight black diamond seemed to gain in a matter of minutes. That bitch needs to lay off the sweets.

And after all that, we finally arrived in San Francisco. We were welcomed into Thom’s place with an amazing meal of chicken moulet, sauteéd squash and brown rice, all compkete with another set of gifts, whiskey and beer. Basil Hayden and Sierra Nevada. And boy were they as beautiful as ever. The we passed out. The end.

Tune in tonight or possibly tomorrow to catch the story of today as the adventures of two beards and a pickup continue. Same bad time, same bad channel

International hide and seek Champion 1993-2011

C: “Is there a proper culinary term for a pie without crust on the bottom?” Ch: “A mistake?”